Twilight (cont.)

Before I begin, I would like to proclaim myself as an expert on romantic love. My qualifications are: 1) I have been in a bad relationship; 2) I am currently in a good & healthy relationship; 3) I have a concise sense of morals; and 4) I have pondered and still ponder this issue deeply, thoroughly, carefully, considerately, and frequently. The reason I am claiming such is because in this blog, I will talk a lot about the ideals of romantic love, and I just want to make sure that it is trusted to be valid in its content.
Now that that's out of the way, let's bash some more Twilight.
I've seen worse, but this one's pretty bad. Anyone read the "Be Creative!" section of the school newspaper today? I turned to that section thinking, "Oh cool, I get to read short stories or poems by other students. That's a neat idea." I flipped and scanned the pages. I saw something that prompted me to skip lunch: A 10-item list titled "Why EVERY Girl is in love with Edward Cullen." Subtitled "By: A girl. Obviously. (for your own good guys)". As if the lack of proper capitalization and punctuation wasn't enough.
First of all, not EVERY girl is in love with Edward. I personally know several dozen that are not. As a member of the same species as the sex that is undermined by this general statement, I am greatly offended.
So let's get on to this list.

1. We want a drop dead gorgeous man
Who is "we"? EVERY girl? Man, it would suck if EVERY girl only went for drop-dead gorgeous men. There are only so many of those around, and the world's male population is already the minority. Also, I fail to see how this one is "for our own good". What about all the guys who aren't drop-dead gorgeous--who never will be? Is it their fault? What are they doing wrong? How is this first item supposed to help them?

2. We want someone who loves us and ONLY us
Wait. So you won't let me love my family? Or my friends? Or God, perhaps?

3. Rich doesn't hurt either...
...Or does it?

4. Someone who isn't afraid to show or say that he's with us to everyone
I have to admit, they're onto something here. You should never be ashamed to be in love. But as I have come to discover, most people really aren't interested. In fact, most people will be annoyed or upset if you jaunt about your lover. It's not the best thing for a girl's self-esteem when you tell them about how much you love another girl and how she's more beautiful than anyone you've seen. That's actually a really important rule in love: other people still have feelings. Caring more about a special someone does not mean you should stop caring about everyone else.

5. Willing to do anything for us. including dying.
Sorry, but a man such as I has rules to follow. I won't do everything you ask me to do. If you ask me to throw myself off a cliff, I won't do it. If you ask me to steal something for you, I won't do it. If you ask me to go against what I know is right and true, I won't do it. If you wanted a companion that obeys your every will, you should've bought a puppy. Or a robot. Unlike them, I am a person with my own beliefs, values, morals, and boundaries. I should be entitled to them. And if you want me to go against them, then you have no respect for me. Oh, and Edward is immortal. So he can't die.

6. Defends our Honor at any cost
Honor? Honor doesn't need as much defending in our modern society. Honor in today's world has strictly to do with self-conduct, not what others say or think about you. In fact, it is more honorable to do what you know is right than worry about what others will think of you. Being able to let go of grudges rather than hate with passion. Turning the other cheek instead of returning the blow. Not reacting harshly to insults. Showing kindness. I can't really defend a girl's honor if she doesn't do those things. There would be nothing to defend.

7. Very High morals AND a Super Gentleman. Opening doors, paying for dinner. The whole nine yards.
Hold on. Edward Cullen has morals?! That statement is preposterous and dangerously ignorant. The few things he does that are right, he does because of an excusatory plot device. Other than that; he is a killer, a stalker, impolite; and he lacks the ability to foresee all but the short-term consequences of his rash actions. That aside, being a gentleman is good, but I was always one to believe that a romantic relationship should be mutual (where on Earth would I get a CRAZY idea like that?!). Love is not a pulpit that one person stands on while the other bows down to them. It is a journey, as gratifying as it is terrifying; one that lovers take together, neither one above the other. You do not worship each other, you care for and respect each other. That's what love is about.

8. Would do anything to see us Smile
...Anything?! Let's hope it never comes to that. Besides, there are more important things than trying to make 17 muscles tighten.

9. Did I mention totally gorgeous? And he LOVES listening to us. And our random Rants about nothing in particular.
Need I repeat myself? Requiring men to be gorgeous is rather shallow. I don't care what attitudes other guys have. On the Love Boat, physical attraction is an anchor made of salt with a six-foot-long chain (whoever interprets this analogy correctly will win a 2-liter of their favorite soda, paid for by me). Past that, more selfishness. I reiterate: Love is not a pulpit.

10. Loves cute cheesy stuff. And does it on a constant basis
Wait a second. You're allowing them to love something else? I thought you said that they should love you and only you! That aside, I don't care who you are or what you think: Most of the "cute cheesy stuff" people do when they're in love is some of the most disgusting behaviors human beings are capable of. A minuscule amount of it once in a while is fine, but it becomes very tiresome and almost nauseating to see or do any more than that. Again, other people still exist, and they will be disgusted by most of the "cute cheesy" conduct. Furthermore, Edward Cullen does not do "cute cheesy stuff". He says things that are meaningless save for an attempt at elaborate flattery. Not the same thing.

I haven't been more offended by something in a newsletter in my life. Not only was it grammatically incorrect/inconsistent, it said things that are neither true nor good. Now, let's do something fun and rewrite it to convey more honestly! Ready? Here we go!

Why EVERY Oblivious, Self-centered, Romantically Inexperienced Girl is in love with a Sociopath.

By: A very shallow, selfish, and obsessed girl. Obviously. (for your own pain & frustration, guys)

1. We are shallow and go for looks.
2. We are selfish, possessive, and choose not to recognize outsiders as human beings.
3. We are shallow freeloaders.
4. We want someone who isn't afraid to show a lack of consideration for the comfort of those uninvolved.
5. We want to make men our slaves and show no respect to them or their beliefs.
6. We think our shallow stupidity is worth defending.
7. We are selfish parasites.
8. We like being difficult and playing games, just to toy with men.
9. We are redundantly shallow. Oh, and we like hearing ourselves talk excessively.
10. We don't think dignity is important.

There we go. That's much better.
Maybe for next month's newsletter, I'll submit a list of reasons why NO girl should be in love with Edward Cullen. And I really feel like chastising whoever wrote this list for presenting themself as a spokesperson for ~2.25 billion other individuals.